Bad
by Kage kioku aji tenshi
Summary: Summary: Alec said he wouldn't have jumped, that it wasn't that bad, what he didn't say was that once it had been. Trigger warnings for Suicidal thoughts and actions. Unmentioned age for Alec but he's young, like around ten or so. So warning for that too. Implied bad parents Robert and Maryse Lightwood.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Alec said he wouldn't have jumped, that it wasn't that bad, what he didn't say was that once it had been.

Trigger warnings for Suicidal thoughts and actions.  
Unmentioned age for Alec but he's young, like around ten or so. So warning for that too.  
Implied bad parents Robert and Maryse Lightwood.  
Part of me wants to warn for Stranger Danger but nothing bad happens, Good Stranger but that's not always true.  
There are probably others but I can't find them right now.

* * *

Alec sniffled, his parents were angry with him again, normally Alec would have been able to brush the disappointment off, usually Izzy and Jace were on his side with him but... not this time.

This time Jace and Izzy couldn't be on his side, because this time Jace and Izzy had been hurt because of his choice, because he had given the orders and they had followed them.

Alec hadn't been able to remain at the Institute, not while the doctors were trying save his siblings, not when they still might die. So, Alec had run, run as far as he could and hadn't looked back.

Now he shivered in the cold night as he walked through the quiet, empty streets. There weren't many people out now, it was late and it kept getting colder.

But Alec wasn't feeling cold, not really, only numb.

He kept walking, further and further from the Institute, from his home until he began crossing a bridge and there he finally paused, he was over water, his parents wouldn't be able to find him, even Jace wouldn't be able to find him, even if Jace hadn't been hurt.

Alec walked over to the edge of the bridge to peer over the side.

The water looked calm, soothing, like nothing could disturb it, though Alec knew that at one point or another something probably had.

Without really thinking about it Alec climbed up onto the gate that lined the sides of the bridge, he found himself sitting on the gate, legs dangling over air, hovering over the water.

He thought about how easy it would be for him to slip, to fall, how the splash of his body hitting the water might be loud but that there were no people around to hear it. Alec thought about how easy it would be for him to slip into the darkness beneath the water's surface, it would be cold, it would take time... but it would be over, over for him, he'd never get anyone hurt again, never hurt any one again after himself, he'd be the last person he'd ever hurt again.

Alec leaned forward to peer at his image reflected in the moonlit surface of the water under the bridge. It would be so easy...

Alec slipped, or did he jump, he couldn't decide before he hit the freezing surface of the water, disturbing it.

But Alec didn't struggle, he let himself sink slowy, down, down, down into the darkness and he found himself looking up, he found himself looking for the light of the moon and let the light follow him down as he began to loose his breath.

Warm hands grabbing his shirt jolted him back to awarness and Alec's eyes shot open as arms wrapped around his chest and dragged him up, up and up until they broke the surface and Alec choked up some of the water he'd swallowed as he was pulled to the bank of the river and then out of the water entirely to shiver and shake in the cold air as a man tried to rub warmth into Alec's bare arms.

Alec waited for the reprimand, the anger and flinched when the man opened his mouth to speak.

The man stopped, paused and then lifted Alec's shivering body up into his arms and carried him away, carried him to a Mundane car and settled him into it before climbing in himself and driving away from the bridge, away from the rapidly calming waters where Alec had fallen, had jumped.

They stopped at a dark and silent loft apartment, the man climbing out of the car, collecting Alec before he opened the door and walked into the living area, setting Alec onto the couch and getting a thick warm quilted blanket to wrap him in before continuing to the kitchen where the man made a cup of something warm and began a pot of coffee.

The man brought the cup of something warm to Alec and held it out to him until Alec took it and stared at him until Alec drank, finding the drink to be hot chocolate.

Alec shivered and looked at the man, waiting for... what Alec didn't know exactly, already this man was showing him an unfamiliar kindness in the face of a failiar that his parents had never granted him.

The man stared at him for a moment before he placed a large dark hand on Alec's head, digging his fingers into Alec's hair, the man shook Alec's head lightly, almost gently, before pulling Alec into the first hug Alec could remember recieving from an adult in his life and just held him as he shivered and shook and suddenly began to sob.

Alec felt safe, for the first time he could remember Alec felt safe with strong arms wrapped around his shoulders, with a large hand holding his head tight and his body forced still, this embrace was different from the like holds he'd been shown in training, that he'd felt during training, it felt almost like the man holding him cared... but Alec knew that couldn't be the case, the man holding him didn't know him, didn't know what kind of weakness Alec was showing by letting him hold him while Alec sobbed and shook and shivered.

Before long Alec began to feel tired, for a moment he thought that perhaps he'd been drugged, that the man had been luring Alec into false security, except the man shifted, he pulled Alec up and he took him to a bathroom and left him there, still shivering and brought back a set of boy's clothing, dimly Alec heard the man tell him he should change before shutting him into the bathroom, alone.

Alec stared at the clothing, body wracked with harsh shivers and decided that he was too cold to ignore the clothing.

When Alec emerged from the bathroom, clothes changed but still cold the man handed him another cup of hot chocolate and a warmed blanket was wrapped around him as he was lifted and tucked into the couch where Alec fell into sleep.

Alec woke to a hushed arguement and fought through his tiredness to hear the words.

"You shouldn't have brought him here!" A woman's voice whispered harshly and Alec flinched, he didn't want the nice man in trouble, not for him.

"What else could I have done?" The man snarled back, "Where else could I have taken him?"

"Anywhere else!" The woman yelled, "You're putting us at risk, bringing him here."

"He fell into the river." The man whispered softly, "And he's... you saw him, I couldn't take him to the station."

"He can't stay here." The woman said harshly and Alec flinched again, but he shifted in his warm cocoon and slid out of it, letting himself fall silently onto the floor.

As the arguement continued Alec crawled his way from the couch and out of sight before he stood and made his way out of the home, sneaking passed the woman that was walking through what appeared to be a shop situated below the home, a little girl and boy laughing as they followed her handing her things, trying tho be helpful Alec supposed.

Alec made his escaped from the building, keeping the small bell on the door silent as he snuck through.

He stopped when he reached the sidewalk across the street from the building and found himself looking back at the shop, he watched the young red head child with her friend and he watched them giggle and push each other playfully and he wondered if he had ever been like that, been permitted to play like that, even as he knew he hadn't, and he knew it was wrong to be jealous, to let emotions cloud his judgements but he felt unfairly jealous of those mundane children that played and laughed and were protected without ever knowing of the dangers that lurked in the darkness.

Alec turned away from the woman and the children and glanced up at the upper story where he recognized the sillouete of the man who had saved him from the water, and saw for the first time, the woman he argued with, they were still arguing and the man turned away from the woman, looking tiredly out the window and Alec looked, memorizing that face.

In a few years the night before would mean nothing to this mundane, he'd just be a kid whose life he saved one cold New York night, but Alec would remember, he'd remember this man's face and one day Alec would repay this man for the kindness he'd given Alec, Alec owed this man his life and a Shadowhunter always repayed their debts.

After memorizing the man's face Alec turned away from the home and began his trek back to the New York Institute and forced himself not to think about the comforting warmth of the man's arms around him, about how safe Alec had felt in them, Alec forced himself not to think about how he'd felt more protected with a stranger than his own parents.

* * *

A/N: So how many of you guessed who saved Alec?

P.S. It was Luke.

I may do a sequal about Alec recognizing Luke as the one who saved him and maybe telling Magnus that it had gotten that bad once and maybe Luke recognizing Alec as the boy who'd fallen in the river when he was younger. and Maybe a confrontation between them where Alec reveals that he didn't fall but who knows.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary:

Triggers: Talk about commiting suicide, possible romanticization, Mental health issues. Communicating with your parnter.  
Hurt/comfort If it needs more, please let me know so I can add them.

* * *

He'd recognized her voice, at first he hadn't known from where, thought perhaps it was from a dream, from before. It had taken awhile for Alec to realize that he didn't remember Jocelyn's voice from a dream, or a long forgotten memory.

He'd always considered the woman from that day unimportant, just as he'd considered the children the same. He'd been jealous of the children, Alec remembered, jealous and wanting, he'd kept that borrowed t-shirt, worn it until it was much too small, trying to remember the comfort and warmth the man who'd pulled him from the water gave him.

He hadn't come for Luke because of a debt, hadn't known then that Luke was the man who had pulled him from the water, had helped him, saved him. And since Alec hadn't known then he didn't consider it a clearance of the debt between them, so Alec tried to keep Clary safe, the girl like a daughter to Luke, tried to keep Simon safe, the boy a son, he'd failed in both and he'd failed in protecting Jocelyn, had killed her.

Alec remembered what he felt under the Demon's control, except that it hadn't just been the demon, Alec remembered being angry at Jocelyn, if she hadn't wanted him gone maybe..., maybe he could have stayed with Luke, learned some kind of normal life, learned to laugh and play and he'd have gotten warm hugs and safety and acceptance.

Instead she'd been angry about his presence, angry and Alec knew she'd been scared, but he had been too, he'd just jumped off a bridge, jumped with the intention to die, because back then Alec hadn't known how to swim, he'd have just sunk down into the dark, never to surface again and his parents would never have found him in his watery grave, no one would have.

No one would have even known a life would have been lost that night so long ago if not for Luke passing by, whether he'd heard the splash or seen Alec fall, Alec didn't know but Luke had jumped in after him, had pulled him out of the water, taken him home and shown Alec everything he'd never get.

When Alec had recognized Jocelyn as the woman who had sent him sneaking out of, her home he realized, he'd hated her, hated her so much and for a second he'd wanted her to know what it felt like to die.

It had been terrifying and startling to wake up from the Demon possession to find her blood on his hands and her body next to him and Clary's devistated face, and the guilt wasn't just for letting the Demon in, it was for all of the other things that he'd felt.

All of the things that Clary had started shouting at him at Max's Rune Party, everything that Alec already knew but he'd been able to talk himself down, talk himself out of doing something drastic as he had everytime he'd gotten low over the years, when he'd found himself wandering back to that quiet, lonely bridge where he'd jumped into cold, cold water and sunk down, down, down. There was something different about hearing someone else give voice to your every fear, your every secret.

And Alec found himself climbing up onto the ledge of the balcony, he'd stood there for a moment, turning to Clary as she approached him and gave voice to more poison, words that Alec most definately deserved.

As Alec began his fall backward he wondered if Luke would forgive him for giving up, if Magnus would move on, forget about him, nothing more than another first in a long life, a moment, over and forgotten eventually.

Then Alec was falling, falling, falling, and something warm and beautiful wrapped around him securely and sent him away in to the softest dream he'd ever had, a memory, brief though it was before warping and changing into a fantasy, one he'd visited often as a child.

A fantasy where the angry lady hadn't existed, where she'd welcomed him just like the man who'd rescued him. A dream where they'd had breakfast, the six of them, the man, the two women, the two children, and him, and Luke had asked him to stay and Alec had and they'd gone to a park and Alec had had two little siblings, not to replace the ones he had but added to them. There had been snippets of holidays, bright smiles and made up stories.

It was jarring to wake up in Magnus' bed, and Alec worried about what Magnus thought.

But for whatever reason it took awhile for Magnus to bring it up and Alec, Alec wasn't ready to tell Magnus, not here, not in the light of day, so he was almost glad of Clary and Jace's interruption, except... Alec knew Magnus deserved to know.

* * *

Alec walked into the Loft, he knew Magnus was home, that he wasn't expecting Alec but Alec needed to tell Magnus about the bridge, Magnus deserved the truth, and Alec... Alec had never told any one about it before.

"Alexander." Magnus smiled at him, "I wasn't expecting you."

"I know." Alec said, "I... I was hoping we could talk."

"Of course, always. Drink?" Magnus asked.

Alec shook his head, "You shouldn't... I mean..." Alec paused, "Can you not drink until after?"

"After what?" Magnus asked, suddenly concerned.

"After we talk." Alec said quietly.

"Alright." Magnus motioned Alec to sit on the couch, following after him, "What is it, Alexander, not Clary and Jace again is it?"

Alec shook his head, not looking at Magnus as he took a deep breath before turning to face Magnus.

"You... you asked me to come to you when things got that bad." Alec began.

Magnus' breath caught.

"I said I wouldn't, and that's true." Alec took another breath as Magnus caught his hands in his, "I did."

"What?" Magnus gasped.

"It... it was years ago. I don't... I don't know the exact date, it was after... after I got Jace and Izzy hurt while we were on a patrol... and... and... my parents... they didn't help much." Alec paused to squeeze Magnus' hands, "I ran, ended up on a bridge, over water, they never would have found me... I didn't want to be found."

"Alexander..." Magnus whispered.

"Let me... just... Let me get through this, please?" Alec begged, eyes pleading as he stared at Magnus' tear filled eyes.

Magnus nodded.

Alec took another steadying breath, "I... I climbed up on the railing and I... I sat there for a while, the water looked peaceful, like nothing ever desturbed it and I... I thought... I thought that that would be nice. I'd never get anyone hurt again, never have to hurt anyone. All I had to do was... was fall... was jump... then just let myself sink. Just sink and sink and everything would be over... would be done with, I'd never... I'd never have to worry about anything else again, it would just be quiet and peaceful, there under the water, all I had to do was sleep." Alec looked away from Magnus.

"Alexander." Magnus whispered, "What made you chose not to do it?"

Alec pulled his hands from Magnus', wrapped his arms around himself, tried to make himself smaller before he continued, "I jumped, Magnus."

Magnus' breath hitched and Alec knew if he looked over he'd see tears falling down Magnus' cheeks.

"I jumped and I hit the water and it was cold but... it was so welcoming, the silence, the cold, the stillness and pressure that surrounded me was... it was comforting, Magnus, and I let it take me down and away. I let go, Magnus, for a moment I felt safe." Alec whispered, letting Magnus pull him into his arms and hold him and tears fell into Alec's hair.

"There was a man, he pulled me out, took me home with him... he... he hugged me and... no one had ever held me like that or cared, he gave me cocoa, dry clothes and tucked me into blankets." Alec told Magnus, "No one had done that for me before, not that I remember anyway... or after."

"Alexander." Magnus whispered again, "I... what do you need?"

"This... this is good... the... the hugging." Alec said, "I'd been... I'd been doing okay... talking myself down when... when I have... when I end up back... back at the Bridge... but the spell... I don't... I..."

"It's okay." Magnus murmured, squeezing Alec a little.

"I... I woke up the morning after... the man was arguing with... at the time I thought she was his wife, but... he was arguing with Jocelyn." Alec said quietly, "She didn't want me there, I know why now but... but then... I didn't know and... I snuck away, I didn't want the man that saved me in trouble, not for me."

Magnus squeezed him again.

"I recognized her voice... it's... it's haunted my nightmares sometimes... when... especially the nights I ended up at the bridge." Alec kept going, "But I didn't... I didn't recognize the man until I heard her voice, he'd changed and I... parts of me wanted to forget... wanted to move on... to... to let go."

Alec could feel the hitches in Magnus' chest as he tried to keep his sobs quiet.

"The man that saved you..." Magnus began, "It was Luke?"

Alec nodded into Magnus' chest, "Yeah... I don't I don't think he recognized me as the boy... he... he thinks that... that the boy he rescued fell..."

"Alexander..." Magnus paused, "Thank you for telling me, for trusting me."

"I... I've... I've never told anyone, not... not even Jace or Izzy." Alec whispered, "I... I don't... don't tell Luke."

"it's not my story to tell, Alexander, but you don't have to do this alone, you can ask for help." Magnus told him.

"I... I'll try..." Alec promised, "I've just... just been doing this on my own for so long... I may need help asking for help."

"Okay." Magnus aknowledged, "Come on."

Magnus pulled Alec up off of the couch.

"Magnus?" Alec asked.

"We're going to bed, I think... I think you deserved some cuddling and comfort, Alexander, you've taken a big step, telling me this, and I... I want to take care of you, please?" Magnus asked softly.

"That... that sounds nice." Alec said softly letting Magnus lead him to bed.

There was more to say, more to work through but Alec wasn't alone in it anymore, he had someone to turn to, someone who wouldn't pity or judge him, someone who... who simply loved him.


End file.
